Hello and welcome to the Blog Showdown!

This is where one of eight pilot blogs will be posted and the one that has the best engagement after three weeks from their posting will become the new permanent Monday blog!

Today we are going to be debuting Goofy Grouping, the blog where I make a tier list, or a top X list, or some sort of other odd list format to make some form of nonsense grouping of something.

Since I have been in a Warhammer 40,000 mood recently I wanted to do a list involving the grimdark universe. I wanted to lean into the depravity and the darkness that the universe beholds and ask one of the most heinous and revolting questions I could…

Which of the Primarchs could help me move a couch?

List Format and Rules

So the scenario of this situation is pretty simple: I just got a new couch and the only day I can pick it up is in the middle of the week in the middle of the day. I have a way to haul the couch from where I bought it, but I need to move it into a specific room, and there is a tight corner that gets a bit awkward and I need help to maneuver it.

I will be giving the Primarch a hundred bucks and some pizza of their choice as compensation, I’m not a monster, but they are the only people I can call to help since all of my other friends and family are on a trip to the Grand Canyon, and I couldn’t go because of work and the whole new couch thing.

I would want them to accompany me to where I bought the couch, help me secure it to the truck, drive back to my place, move the couch, and if they want to they can chill for a bit while we wait for the pizza to get there. I would like some conversation, but I am not too picky on that front.

I decided to go with a standard tier list for this scenario with the rankings as follows:

S: Premium Helper, will help with no issues, will have some great conversations, and we get that couch set up in no time.

A: Solid Hand, will help but a couple minor hiccups but nothing too serious, conversations will be pretty good, and the couch will get set up.

B: Quick and Easy, a pretty standard couch moving job, some light conversation, but once the job is done it will be dubious on if they stay for the pizza.

C: Uncommitted, they may or may not help me move the couch and if they do, it’ll be pretty boring, and there may be some trouble getting the couch in place.

D: Not Likely, they wouldn’t come if I asked them, probably because they have better things to do or don’t really want to do it.

F: Wouldn’t Even Ask, this one is self explanatory.

Now the other question is what point in time would I be asking the Primarchs to help me? I would say that this is pre Horus Heresy era, meaning that all the Primarchs are around, and while there is some dissent between some of the Primarchs, nothing has blown to full scale war.

I am also making a disclaimer, I am not an expert on the Primarchs, nor do I claim to be a full on expert on Warhammer 40,000. This is a dumb list made off of vibes and what little I do know about them, and if I mischaracterize a character I do promise it was not made with ill intent.

With that said, let’s go from the bottom up and start with F Tier.

F Tier: Wouldn’t Even Ask

Konrad Curze – Immediately off of the list. One, because he does not do very well in the light considering that he is from Nostromo, a planet of near total darkness, and two because there is a chance that someone ends up dead, and there is a non-zero percent chance it would be me.

Angron – Also another easy choice to not even try to talk too. Similar to Curze, someone is gonna be dead, but at least with Angron I know that the non-zero percent chance is probably closer to 100 percent chance that I end up dead, and that’s with me just asking.

D Tier: Not Likely

Perturabo – Now I do know that, overall, Perturabo got dealt kind of a bad hand in some respects in how he is perceived and is an incredibly capable individual. However, his overall attitude is not one that would be conducive to ideal couch moving. We could get it done, but he wouldn’t want to be there and probably wouldn’t even entertain the idea in the first place.

Mortarion – From what little I do know of Mortarion, he would not want to help me because he would be dealing with his own things, which is fine he isn’t obligated to help. He really is here because he is one of the Primarchs I know least about, so off of vibes I would say that he would probably say no.

C Tier: Uncommitted

Alpharius and Omegon – With all of the who’s who of which one is which, I could call one, the other shows up, leaves to do something then the other comes back and I would have no idea what was happening. Then later I find out that they never even showed up, and it was a random member of the Alpha Legion, and while it would get done, I would just be confused the entire time.

Ferrus Manus – Another vibes based one and from the vibes I get of Ferrus, he would probably tell me to move the couch myself, but if he were to come in and help me then he would probably have me do a majority of the work while berating me.

Corvus Corax – I mean he would probably help, there really isn’t anything that I know of that would suggest otherwise, but there probably won’t be a lot of engaging conversation coming from it and it would just be pretty awkward overall.

B Tier: Quick and Easy

Lion El’Jonson – A bit odd putting him here, but I do think that Lion would be willing to help me move the couch. Conversation would be pretty light overall, but I think that there would be something going on. He isn’t staying for pizza to be sure, but that’s to be expected.

Jaghatai Khan – In terms of the quick part, we will be done with this in a flash. Hell, rather than wait for the pizza to get to us, while I am unstrapping the couch from the truck, he would probably get it and come back in time to help. I can imagine Khan staying for some pizza before taking off, but that couch will be in place and pizza will be had.

Magnus the Red – Another odd one, but from what I know about Magnus is that he would probably help, but wouldn’t stay for too long afterwards. We would get it done, all the while having conversations about psychic powers I don’t have and he may show me a couple of cool psychic powers, I don’t see him staying once the couch is in. Maybe for a slice of pizza, but not much more than that.

Lorgar Aurelian – Considering that this is pre-Heresy Lorgar, I think that he would be pretty willing to help. What the downside would be is that he would be going off on talking about the greatness of The Emperor and while I would listen to be respectful, I would not be insistent on him staying around for too long.

A-Tier: Solid Hand

Fulgrim – A bit odd putting him this high up, but from what I do know of him pre-Heresy, there isn’t much saying that he wouldn’t help me if I asked him and he would be an excellent conversationalist at the very least.

Leman Russ – In terms of pure conversation, Russ would probably be one of the most entertaining. Moving the couch would probably be done fairly quickly, but afterwards eating pizza and chilling out would last quite a while.

Rogal Dorn – Efficiency is the name of the game, and while the conversation with Dorn is probably minimal, the reason that I rate him higher is based purely off of being able to maybe help me improve the layout of my theoretical house, maybe even recommending how to fix it or best case scenario him fixing it himself.

S-Tier: Premium Helper

Sanguinius – One of the better options, not only because he would be extremely helpful, but the vibes would overall be pretty good. He seems like a decent conversationalist and the vibes would be immaculate overall. The wings may get a bit awkward in the truck, but I’m sure we can work something out.

Roboute Guiliman – This is THE logistics Primarc, if there was anyone who would not only help me move the couch, but have it done in a way that made the most use of our time, with as little delay as possible it is Guiliman. Not only that, but I would think he would probably have a way to help me manage some other aspects as genuine advice.

Horus Lupercal – Potentially a controversial option, but I think that Horus would be great at helping me move a couch in. He is charismatic that we would have some great conversation, and that couch would be moved in at a pretty decent clip. Now what was he saying about The Emperor?

Vulkan – Last but not least is the biggest Primarch and someone who would not only help me move the couch with little to no question, but there is a chance that he’d move the couch by himself, despite my insistence on helping. His conversation would be warm and interesting and overall we would have a great time. I wouldn’t ask for a hug though.

In Conclusion

Well, now that there are so many couches in my imaginary house, I think that we have made a successful list. Who do you think would be the best at helping me move a couch?

Thank you for reading, see you next week with a new blog for the Blog Showdown! If you want to see more of this sort of blog, engage with it and we’ll see how it compares with the others!

Peace,

From, J.M. Casual

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